"The Suicide Tourist"

The other night, I watched a documentary on PBS' Frontline program.  The show was called "Suicide Tourist".  It portrayed the struggle of Craig Ewert, a middle-aged man that contracted ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease).  His disease progressed rapidly, as ALS is wont to do.  In three months he was already on a ventilator.  For those of you that do not know what ALS is, it is the wasting away of the muscles in the body.  This includes all muscles, the heart, the lungs everything- but your mind remains intact.  Its not uncommon for people to end up on machines, not even able to blink their eyes, but be literally trapped in a shell of a body. 

Mr. Ewert chose to go to Switzerland, helped by an organization called Dignitas, to assist in ending his life.  The documentary followed his decision, how his family reacted, and the eventual ending of his life. 

To preface, I watched this while my mother, who was dying of disease very similar to ALS, was still living.  I watched it again on Tuesday night.    Though I recommend this program as a naked examination of the process someone goes through to get to this decision, I don't recommend it if you are not able to handle it.  It does show Mr. Ewert die. 

So after the program I ventured online to read the comments on PBS.org's site dedicated to this program.  The comments, overall, were better thought out than most that I see on websites that welcome comments.  But there was much about the program and the people's reaction to it that disturbed me.

Let me state at the outset that I am not in favor of or believe in suicide as a solution to anything.  As a Christian, I believe it is a sin to take out of the hands of God the decision of when you are to die.  But I am not a hyprocrite.  I do know that I daily take out of the hands of God things I should not.  So I don't believe I am somehow more righteous than others because I don't believe in suicide.  Sin is sin, not matter if its gossiping, taking the Lord's name in vain or taking ones own life.

However, what disturbed me was the way that Mr. Ewerts family seemed to easily allow him to do what he wished without even suggesting alternatives.   A former college professor who had decided to live abroad after he retired, his wife in tow, who was getting her PHD late in life as well, was an agnostic and obviously well educated.  But, as with many in our society that rise to the level of "education" that he had achieved, they think that their lives end at our last breath and that he is in control of everything.  When he lost that control, it was easier to say adieu.  I am speaking as one that watched a loved one die of a disease very similar to this one.  In the documentary, his wife didn't say once that she didn't want him to do this, even when he said he was scared.  When he said he didn't want his children present, because he would continue to talk to them and not want to go through with it, didn't the children say, ok then I will come, because I want you to live longer? 

I can hear the shieks now.  That would be for them, not him!  He is dying a horrible death and in his own words " I have the choice of death or suffering and death.  I choose the former."  I talked to my mother about this documentary after I watched it during one of our many heart felt talks those last months.  She said she found it selfish and could never do such a thing.  This was a woman who needed help to facilitate her bowel movements and couldn't swallow without choking.  This was a woman who had taken "mustard" (the stuff the nazis gassed the Jews with in the camps) in liquid form through the veins in her feet as a cancer treatment.  If anyone was ready to die many times, I'm sure it would have been her. 

As I watched it again, post her death, I felt sadness for Mr. Ewert that only someone who has been on the front lines of these diseases will ever know.  I knew why he was doing it.  Any rational person would choose it.  But when something like this happens to you, rational isn't enough.  There is more to us than a body with a disease.  We have souls-something Mr. Ewert flatly said he didn't believe.  I was sorry for him because of that, not just his ALS.    Just because you didn't believe it, sir, doesn't make it false.  He said he would hope for the best, if he was wrong.  Isn't that something we shouldn't leave up to chance? 

Then there were the comments.  So many people were angry at those that didn't support his right to choose this.  Unfortunately, there are those in power in this world, that would love to Euthanise those that are considered a "burden" on society.  The mentally infirm, the physically ill.  This is why many are so upset about the health care debate.  You've heard of the "death panels"?  If it were up to the government to decide who gets care and who doesn't depending on a line on a graph, my mother would have died years ago.  So when I see people commenting that everyone should have that right, and we should have it legal here.  I wonder if they really think these things through.

I could go on and on, but I won't.  I get why Mr. Ewert did what he did.  But as he sipped the medication that was going to end his life to the strains of Beethoven and his wife patting his hand, I felt a little sick.  Sick that he had to go through it and sick that he felt he needed to do it. 

And I wept.

Twitter, Short Attention Spans and Grieving.

I am standing up and saying for all to see, yes, I have a twitter account.  I am contributing to the glut of information we are already exposed to and the short sound byte's of information that come through in an almost constant stream to the world.  People tweet about everything from important news events of the day to what color their child's poo was that morning.  Sorry, I know that was nasty.  But it just shows you the craziness of our information age.    At least Facebook, though just as trivial, does have the ability to see a fuller picture of something.  Twitter is somehow an abbreviation of the already abbreviated way we communicate.    I find it difficult to sit through an actual 2 hour movie without messing with my IPAD or flipping to another channel during the commercials.  Was I always this way, or has the constant stream of information, tweets, texts, posts and blogs made me somehow ADHD?  To completely honest, I find it difficult to sit through a 1 hour tv show without doing the same. 

I tried to think of all this in relation to my grieving process.  Grieving is a long, messy, drawn out process that takes years to totally work through.  Even at that you sometimes never truly get through it.  I know people, friends and family, that have grief come back on them decades after a loss.  So how does this fit in our twitter culture?  In many respects, it doesn't.  People expect you to be over things quickly.  They expect that friend with the sunny personality or the quick wit to be there all the time for you and not be depressed or sick with grief.  What people don't realize is that grieving isn't a one-size-fits all situation.  Some people will move past things relatively quickly, while it takes far longer for others. 

I am dealing with some of that right now.  I am on edge a great deal of the time and find myself physically and mentally exhausted more often than I ever remember.  I put it off to job stress, financial woes and a million other things that it could be.  But, to be perfectly honest, I think it stems back to grief.   

Do I function day to day?  Yes.  Am I weeping in the corner every night?  No.   But grief is a subtle thing.  You put your trust and faith in God, and wade through the deep waters.  There are days you feel like your legs are mired in quicksand and you can't move another inch.  You push and push until there is nothing left and then you push some more.  You mechanically move from task to task, appointment to appointment and make it through your day. 

To Christians out there who think that people who grieve this nakedly are not relying on God enough for their strength, I have something to tell you.   This IS with me relying on God for all my strength.   I would be a frightening person otherwise. 

Childless by Choice?

You see this phrase more and more these days.  There are websites called "childfree by choice", or "Childless and loving it".  The reasons are varied.  Some think the world is already over-populated and don't want to add to it.  Some people don't want their lives disrupted.  There are many other reasons I won't go into.  I have been thinking about this lately.  My husband and I are childless.  The phrase itself denotes a life that is less than complete.  Child-less.  I can see why people who don't have children for reasons other than most might find societial pressures frustrating.   This is no more evident than in the Church.  Couples that don't have children, though they are accepted into the fold, are somehow set aside as different.  This would also include adult singles, to a degree.  Let me say at the outset, we have never been treated differently at our church because of our lack of children.  But this hasn't always been the case.

Why am I bringing this up now?  With my mother's death, you begin to think about your own mortality.  I have no children to look after me when I am old and sick.  I won't have someone to look after my affairs when I become infirm.  Not a reason to have children on its own, but makes you think.    So I began to look at the our choices in this area a little more closely.  My husband and I never made a conscious decision NOT to have children.  It was something we discussed at length several times, but could never decide when the time was right.  I also don't think we are able to have children, but that is for another discussion.  But that aside, now its more than likely too late.

I will state plainly that I never yearned for children like some women.  I didn't even play with baby dolls as a kid.  I liked Barbie and Hot Wheels.  I enjoyed playing war with my male cousins and "Dallas" and "Dukes of Hazzard" with my female cousins.  I wasn't what you call, maternal.  My mom always said that I had it in me, the way I took care of her foundling kitten and other animals.  But even she agreed, it wasn't in my DNA.

So as I drove to work this morning, I was listening to Moody Radio and there was a lady on there talking and she sounded just like me.  The difference was, she had children, and was still not acting very maternal.  She said God changed her desires when she started acting more like a mother.  It made me think, if I had acted more maternal growing up, would I have wanted children more?  Would I have tried when my husband and I were younger and probably more able to conceive?   But then I thought, what if I had children and I realized it was a mistake?  You can't take a child back to the pet store.  Its a life time commitment.  When I was younger, I know it was selfishness, but when I grew older, there were other concerns.  Genetic disease is a real factor in my family, societal concerns, etc.    God knows best and I feel now that if I had been meant to be a mother, God would have made that happen.  Who knows, he still could.  Look at Abraham and Sarah.  Yikes!
Wow, what a thought.  Please God, don't give me a child when I'm 100! 

But something to think about.  Don't pre-judge someone who doesn't have children or is single.  Don't assume they are driven career people who just didn't want the hassle.  Don't assume things about anyone. 
One more thing.  Don't assume its ok to ask people about it either.  Sometimes people are happy tell you.  But sometimes, its a sore subject. 

Food for thought.