I was reading something online on Saturday about grief and the grieving process. It said that when dealing with someone who has lost a spouse or a significant person in their life, the second year is actually harder than the first. At first I thought this was crazy. I mean that first year was a complete hell at times. But then I read on. They said that the first year you are in survivial mode. You are worried about keeping healthy, planning, sorting through stuff, etc. But year two rolls around and you are now realizing, hey, they is not going to end. This is the way its going to be from now on. You aren't going to hear that persons voice, see that person, smell their perfume again until eternity.
I had been thinking this past week that maybe I was losing it. People move on, don't they? I mean you get past this eventually, right? But as I read, my feelings made perfect sense. So do my Dads. He is actually more listless and more easily depressed lately than he was early on. He was a bundle of energy, nervous energy before. Now, not so much. He has a lady friend he has asked to go out to lunch or something soon. Part of me was like, cool. Part of me found this less charming than I did when he first told me. He also is wanting to sell his house. That is natural. But he wants to talk about it all the time. I also find this less charming too. I find myself easily annoyed by some of his rambling talk. I then feel guilty about it and the cycle goes on and on.
So I have decided to be less hard on myself. God has been working on me during this. I lean on Him daily more than I ever have before. Which is the point, isn't it? God puts his children through things that they have no earthly way of handling so he can handle them for them.
I dont' know where I will end up at the end of this road. But the ride has been interesting. That is one thing I CAN say about this!
