Heart Felt Talks

I'm on a mini-vacation this week.  I find that by February, I can't take another minute of  the "get-up-scrape-off-my-car-go-to-work-work-scrape-off-my-car-go-to-lunch-scrape-off-my-car-go-home" rollercoaster and I must have some time off.  Considering this winter has been more active than most, it is even worse than normal.  I found out the other day at the dentist that I am grinding or "bruxing" my teeth in my sleep.  Joy.  I read somewhere stress causes most "bruxing".  Well duh.

So, get to the title, right?  Why heart felt talks.  Well as part of my vacation I have allotted time to my Father.  I went up to his house today to take my car to the dealership to fix my brakes.  While we waited, we sat and slowly started talking about my Mom.  Just as aside, though we mention my Mom all the time, we hardly ever "talk" about her.  Specifically her last few months, days and hours.  It's nice that we can talk now without it becoming a major problem and my dad getting up and saying "let's talk about something else."

We talked together for a good long time.  He listened mostly, but was open to the experience.  It was a good day.  It brought me some places I never intended to go today, but I was glad that we went there. 

So, hopefully this mini-vacation will help me "brux" less and come to some more conclusions about my life.  I just intended to rest, play some spider solitaire, watch TV and read a few books.  I suppose I can fit in personal allumination somewhere. 

What dreams may come

Dreams are funny things, aren't they?  They can be crazy, mixed up bits of nothing that make no sense or they can be profound snapshots of our sub-conscious.    Every so often I get the latter.  If you have seen the movie "What Dreams May Come" with Robin Williams, you will get an idea of what I am talking about.    In the movie, the character Robin Williams plays loses both his children in an auto accident, where his wife survives.  Years later, Robin Williams himself dies in an accident.  The place he goes to is a surreal version of what the hollywood mind can imagine heaven will be like.  There are places his wife imagined in paintings that are now real, people are with loved ones and doing whatever they wished they could do in their living life, even their pets are there.  Its very dream-state, though in this case it is supposed to be what he experiences after death.  Unfortunately, his wife, who was overcome with sadness, commits suicide and ends up in a dark hole where those that take their lives are put because they didn't value life enough to live.  Its the basic Hollywood mish-mash of  mistaken theology, new age ism and wishful thinking.  But one thing it does bring to mind is that feeling of dreams being real.

About once a month, less or more depending on my life, I have dreams that could be described as "visits" from those that have left this world.  Whether wishful thinking on my part or actual touches from the beyond, these dreams sometimes leave me blue and other times leave me feeling uplifted.   A few weeks ago I had a dream where I woke up and I was in my parents house.  I had been sleeping in my old bedroom though I was the age I am now.  I walked out into the living room and my mom is preparing to decorate for Christmas.  The house is in the shape it was prior to 2000 when my parents redecorated.  Old carpet, paneled walls, etc.   My mom turns and smiles and says, "did you sleep well?"  The rest is kind of a blur, this one not being as clear as other dreams.    But the point was, sometimes I dream like this.  Everyone that has passed that I loved is usually there, happily going on with their lives.

It made me ponder.  Is this what heaven is like?  I know that heaven will be about worshipping God and that we will all be transformed to where that will be our primary job.  But according to scripture, we won't be floating around on clouds playing harps.  We will have duties, jobs and things we carry out.  Of course we won't tire like we do now.  Also we will have houses.  I doubt they are like my parents house with the old brown shag carpet.  But who knows?  If that is where I was the most happy, maybe that will be my house.

Who knows what happens beyond the veil that seperates this life from the next.  But what I do know is that all those that went before me still exist.  I imagine my brain could not fathom how that works, so God dumbs it down for me.  I appreciate he allows for my limitations without too much scolding. 

Now if I could just do that for myself.  Life would be must less stressful.

Snow, Ice, and stress

When I was kid,  I loved snow days.  What kid doesn't?  No school, right?  The one major kid responsibility, go to school, is taken away and you are left to your own kid devices.  As an adult, there is a little bit of kid inside us when they start cancelling stuff.  We know down deep that we probably won't get out of going to work, but we still hold out hope.    We listen, like the kids we still are, as the commentators rattle off school after school and business after business.   Some people might get to stay home, but for some reason I always seem to work for company that never, ever closes.     This tends to stress you out when you are a manager.  Your people think, wow the company doesn't care about me.  Why are all the other companies closing early and we can't.  For the most part I let that roll off my back. 

I finally had my fill of that on Saturday.  I sort of told my boss what I thought about it, via text.  Not the smart thing I guess, but I did it.  She never answered me either, so I am left hanging to what she is going to say about it.  Luckily, I am not stupid.  It wasn't an angry, disrespectful text.  It was just expressing my disappointment.  Oh well, I guess I will find out soon enough what will happen.  More than likely, she hasn't even read it.  Texting is rather new to her anyway. 

But it has burbled over my stress level now that was ratcheted up by the layers of ice and snow in my driveway, yard and my city.   So, as I it here, Sunday services cancelled because of the weather, I ponder my life right now.  I am pondering why I am obsessing over a text that was, frankly the truth, and probably isn't going to make a hill of beans of difference to the reader.   Is my life going to be all about this stupid job now?  What would my mom say?

I know what she would say.  Don't borrow trouble, Deb!   Just take your medicine! 

I've been missing my mom  quite a bit lately.  If you follow this blog, you've read some of that.  But its quiet mornings like this, when something is eating at me, that I miss her the most.  I can't pick up the phone and listen to her wisdom calm me down.  I can't hear her voice chuckle at me when I crack a joke. 
I only get to hear her in my dreams now.  Luckily she still visits me there.

So I guess I will wait to see what happens.  If you worry about something long enough, you get to the point where you just don't care anymore.  I'm almost there with this!