Today is the fourth anniversary of my Mother's death. I was sitting in my chair, letting my mind free-associate, when it occurred to me how I don't think about my Mom as often as I used to. I probably think about her at least once a day. Before it was more, and even now it might not be every day.
Suffice it to say, she isn't top of mind with me anymore. That bothered me, more than I truly allowed myself to realize. So, today, I sort of hit that proverbial wall. As I am wont to do, I suppress things that I don't have time to think about or would rather not consider. In the back of my mind, I had been thinking about this day most of last week. Not top of mind, but there.
I suppose that my life is "moving on". Isn't this the dream of all those poor grieving people to find themselves in a place where the loved one they have lost doesn't constantly haunt their thoughts, color every holiday, or basically make them a zombie with grief? Well, for those of you that are struggling, it is nice not to feel the searing pain anymore. But, this malaise isn't exactly a wonderful place either.
I find myself, more and more, examining my own life and how it will play out. Will I be remembered? I have no children, and though I have lots of family, I don't have day to day closeness with them. Have I made a contribution to society, will anyone remember me after I'm gone after just a few years? I mean if I don't think about my own Mother as much anymore, somone who was just about the most important person in my life, who will think of me?
Sounds self-centered, doesn't it? Well, this is a blog. The very definition of self-centered. I won't add a "selfie" and we will call it even.
