The Gaping Hole

It's been quite some time since I posted. To catch up, my health issues have resolved themselves, for the most part. Christmas has come and gone and now I am heading towards the new year. This was the 3rd Christmas without my Mom. Though it was very enjoyable, I started some new traditions and I gave my family a Christmas that they haven't had in years, it was bittersweet. I told my Mom once that when she was gone, I would never enjoy Christmas again. She was aghast at this and said, "then why did I fight all these years?" I felt bad, but to be honest, I will never enjoy it like I once did. It will be much different how I enjoy it, but then again, life changes. Change is inevitable. She admitted that holidays in general were different after she lost her own mother.

It has been in the back of mind all this month. The gaping hole. The deep bass note of abscence. The empty chair, the missing present, the non-existent laugh.

I had a dream a few weeks ago. My mom was in bed with me, my bed, the one I have now. She looked as she did when I was in high school. She was wearing the house coat she wore then. A orange and white monstrosity that I never liked, but she loved. We were chatting about things. I could smell her. The ambiance of her scent. After we stopped our conversation and I felt myself waking up I saw her. That place where you aren't sure you are awake or not, she walked to the side of my bed, translucent (I could see my hallway through her) and she kissed me and I woke up.

The dream stuck with me, obviously. It didn't leave me with the sense of searing pain that dreams in the past had. But as Christmas came around, I felt that gaping emptiness of her abscence again.

I know that it will pass, it always does, but not completely.

It's a feeling I will live with my entire life. But, it is part of me. It has become who I am. It's not perfect, but there it is.