The Gaping Hole

It's been quite some time since I posted. To catch up, my health issues have resolved themselves, for the most part. Christmas has come and gone and now I am heading towards the new year. This was the 3rd Christmas without my Mom. Though it was very enjoyable, I started some new traditions and I gave my family a Christmas that they haven't had in years, it was bittersweet. I told my Mom once that when she was gone, I would never enjoy Christmas again. She was aghast at this and said, "then why did I fight all these years?" I felt bad, but to be honest, I will never enjoy it like I once did. It will be much different how I enjoy it, but then again, life changes. Change is inevitable. She admitted that holidays in general were different after she lost her own mother.

It has been in the back of mind all this month. The gaping hole. The deep bass note of abscence. The empty chair, the missing present, the non-existent laugh.

I had a dream a few weeks ago. My mom was in bed with me, my bed, the one I have now. She looked as she did when I was in high school. She was wearing the house coat she wore then. A orange and white monstrosity that I never liked, but she loved. We were chatting about things. I could smell her. The ambiance of her scent. After we stopped our conversation and I felt myself waking up I saw her. That place where you aren't sure you are awake or not, she walked to the side of my bed, translucent (I could see my hallway through her) and she kissed me and I woke up.

The dream stuck with me, obviously. It didn't leave me with the sense of searing pain that dreams in the past had. But as Christmas came around, I felt that gaping emptiness of her abscence again.

I know that it will pass, it always does, but not completely.

It's a feeling I will live with my entire life. But, it is part of me. It has become who I am. It's not perfect, but there it is.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times....

Just to catch you all up, I haven't been very well lately.  Digestive and female issues have kept me in a state of fatigue, pain and even depression for the better part of a month and a half.  So far tests have come back ok, still more doctors appointments to attend in November. 

But this isn't a detailed blog of my recent health woes.  I began to think about how much of my Mom's life was spent like this.  For the most part, I have been pretty healthy.  This recent issue, I pray, will only be temporary and I can get back to my normal life.  But this WAS normal for my Mother.  When she was having a "good" day, it was usually what most of us would consider a bad day.  For a good part of her life, she woke up in pain, went through her day in pain and went to bed in pain.

So at the end when she was crying out in pain, I knew it had to be pretty bad. 

I know this post is short, but I try, as I have my painful moments, and I have had them lately, that this was nothing compared to what she went through.

Well, *this* bites.

Nice title huh?

I've talked about all sorts of things on this blog and most of it has had to do with what I have been doing since my Mom died.  It has been pretty up beat, most of the time.  But I'm here to tell you, this grief stuff bites.

I've been having a super hard time lately missing my Mom.  I've felt myself sinking into a depression.  I've fought it, but here I am.  I have been finding it difficult to concentrate, work, or do most anything.  I recently had a bout of stomach flu and that tied it.  I'm depressed.  I've been dreaming of her often lately.  Nothing against my Dad, my Husband or friends and other family, but nothing can replace your Mother. 

I did some things last week I thought I would never do.  I was making reservations for my vacation and found a great place to go.  I was so excited, I picked up my cell phone to call my Mom to tell her.  I realized it before I dialed, of course, but the thought ran through my head.  I called my Dad, yeah, he wasn't as excited as Mom would have been.  I finally called my Great Aunt and she had the proper level of excitement. 

It hit me that my Great Aunt is the closest thing I have to my Mom right now.  She has parts of my Mom and my Grandmother rolled into one.  It made me happy for a second.  Then yesterday I found out she had a car accident on Sunday and nobody told me.  Really?  She's ok, mind you, but it made me realize just how close she is to her final hours too.  I have a strong faith, so I know that you can't rest all your life and happiness on people.  God is the only one you can always rely on to be there.  But it still isn't easy.

So here I sit, trying not to be obsessive about some recent health issues I have been having, trying to focus on my day, and realizing that I'm depressed.  I read the symptoms and I have it.  Been here before, I'm sure I'll be here again.

So, if you run across me and I'm not myself, just nod and let me go by.  It's harder this time though, so bear with me. 

Dating? Gulp?

Not me, of course, but my Dad.  I wouldn't go as far as to say he is "dating" but he had a day out with a very nice lady.  This happened about three weeks ago.  It was odd knowing he was out with someone else and running around showing her all the places he went with my Mom and with Dan and I. 

I am still not sure how I feel about this.  I am not upset and actually very happy that my Dad has found a friend he can share with.  She is a nice lady, a widow too, and knew my Mom.  Mom liked her, also, which is a plus!

Some people have a hard time with their parents dating after one parent has died.  I always said that I wouldn't have an issue with it.  I haven't, for the most part, but when I think about if my Dad would re-marry, wow!  I know my Dad isn't interested in that, but then again, he really likes this lady.  I don't mind him running around the county taking her to dinner, going to the lake, etc.  But for her to become Mrs. Jones?  Hmm, don't think so.

So, as I ponder the future, I do little imaginary things.  I think of how my Mom would think of all this.  At the end her mind was going somewhat and paranoia was a mainstay of her life.   She told me to watch this lady because she was after my Dad, this was after she had told me Dad that if she died she hoped my Dad found a lady like this.     So my confusion? 

I think my Mom would be happy that my Dad could have a friend.  It would hurt her more if he was lonely.  At least I hope so! 

2nd Year Harder than the First?

I was reading something online on Saturday about grief and the grieving process. It said that when dealing with someone who has lost a spouse or a significant person in their life, the second year is actually harder than the first.  At first I thought this was crazy.  I mean that first year was a complete hell at times.  But then I read on.  They said that the first year you are in survivial mode.  You are worried about keeping healthy, planning, sorting through stuff, etc.  But year two rolls around and you are now realizing, hey, they is not going to end.  This is the way its going to be from now on.  You aren't going to hear that persons voice, see that person, smell their perfume again until eternity. 

I had been thinking this past week that maybe I was losing it.  People move on, don't they?  I mean you get past this eventually, right?  But as I read, my feelings made perfect sense.  So do my Dads.   He is actually more listless and more easily depressed lately than he was early on.  He was a bundle of energy, nervous energy before.  Now, not so much.  He has a lady friend he has asked to go out to lunch or something soon.  Part of me was like, cool.  Part of me found this less charming than I did when he first told me.  He also is wanting to sell his house.  That is natural.  But he wants to talk about it all the time.  I also find this less charming too.  I find myself easily annoyed by some of his rambling talk.    I then feel guilty about it and the cycle goes on and on.

So I have decided to be less hard on myself.  God has been working on me during this.  I lean on Him daily more than I ever have before.  Which is the point, isn't it?  God puts his children through things that they have no earthly way of handling so he can handle them for them.

I dont' know where I will end up at the end of this road.  But the ride has been interesting.  That is one thing I CAN say about this!