Today is my Mom's birthday. If she would have lived she would have been 66 today. As I mentioned in my Easter blog entry, I didn't give too much thought to these milestones before. I figured they would be difficult, but not too overwhelming.
Well I was wrong and I was right. Let me explain. I woke up this morning to get ready for Sunday School and Church and found that I just was unable to do anything without crying. You see myself, my husband, my dad, my sister and my aunt are all going to the cemetary later today to see the flowers my dad purchased to put on my Mom's grave. This will only be the second time I've been up there. The first time was with my dad alone in March. It wasn't as difficult as I imagined, but seeing the fresh dirt on the ground, and grave stone with the needle and thread on it signifying her, upset me. I could have cried long and hard there for a bit, which would have been cathartic. But I can't cry in front of my dad. He just can't take seeing my cry any more than he could take my mom doing it. The two of us have always been the strong ones in our family. When something happens, people literally look at us to see our reactions to temper how they will react. Its a blessing and a curse at the same time. A blessing, because you can help others remain strong during a crisis, a curse because you can only grieve in private.
Private grieving is what my mom always did and had to do.
I guess the torch has passed.
My husband is going to church without me today. I need some private grieving time before we go to the cemetary. Traditions can be interesting, can't they?
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